Part of my bedrock in life is finding a silver lining in every situation - I am almost compulsive about this. And since lockdown I check in with myself several times a day and say thank you mentally for pretty much everything from waking up in the morning, having a body that does what it does, having hot and cold running water, having a roof over my head to having food in the fridge - you get the picture….having everything I NEED around me. And make no mistake, I know how lucky this makes me.
Whilst we are indeed in this as a collective, the bubbles in which we live have become even more distinct. Lockdown has really distilled in my mind what I actually need in life to be happy and content; the list is pretty streamlined - and I know I am not alone in this revelation.
If you follow me on social media you will know I did saunter around my house the other day in orange stilettos because I missed wearing them - but I know full well that they fall in the superfluous category.
Moving forwards, I feel many of us are looking at how we used to live, and whether we want to “go back” to that when we are allowed to do so. Certainly for me, what I buy, what I need and how much I need are so clear-cut now. I am finding myself to be much more discerning in every area of my life - and it is actually very welcome.
Another consequence of lockdown is we are spending more time in our own company and giving our thoughts more oxygen than perhaps we would have done, or had time to do in the past.
Broadly speaking, I don’t find it difficult to spend time with myself, so I feel there are many beneficial (non-materialistic) things that will come out of this time. But sometimes healthy introspection can take an unforeseen turn and lead us down a rabbit hole and those little (but powerful) negative voices can grab a hold.
Though I don’t mind being up close and personal with emotional-me, I do find it harder when I put “self” in front of certain words: self-confidence, self-esteem, self-love, self-compassion, self-empowerment. Depending on the day, these words can make me feel really rather uncomfortable.
Of all of these “self” words, self-esteem - the way we evaluate ourselves - is probably my biggest challenge. For me, self-esteem is the deepest internal layer.
And whilst I do understand that self-esteem comes from ourselves, because the clue is in the word (!) - I do feel that initially, from babyhood in fact, we take our lead from those closest to us and form our self-evaluation, in part, through the perception they (our parents, our families, our friends) have of us. Wonderful, if they think we are the best thing since sliced bread, but not so great if not.
What I have realised over the years is that self esteem is directly linked to self compassion - how you treat yourself; and this imposed alone time has led me to moments of evaluation and I have started noticing, more often, when I’m not being nice to myself.
At the beginning of lockdown - I set myself many many targets. I honestly think I thought overloading my routine and keeping busy was the answer. Very quickly I realised - it was not. Often I wasn’t in the mood - I wanted to go with the flow - spend the afternoon reading, or dancing, or - doing nothing….I’m one of those people who will always get done what needs to get done, I am hardwired that way - and there was definitely an internal standoff between the “doing” me and “being” me.
So I was not achieving what I wanted to achieve in a day, which led me to be quite damning of myself and in turn my self-compassion took a hit. But as the days rolled on, I started catching myself and consciously changing my self-talk - to a gentler, kinder tone more of the time. In fact, basically cutting myself the same slack I would afford everyone I like and love.
And it is a two way street - when I am kinder to myself it has a positive knock on effect on my self-esteem. I mean I don’t think I’m the dog’s bollocks (I have never understood this phrase, but I like it), but some days I might be pretty close :)
Honestly, this personal inner work is an unexpected byproduct of lockdown - I like to think I do this stuff most days - but it is really satisfying my desire for silver linings.
Our relationships with ourselves are an iterative process and we will always be tweaking and quite right too - we are works in progress. I don’t believe that changes - but I do feel as we become more aware - more self-aware, we are able to hold ourselves accountable in a loving way, and raise ourselves up rather than cutting ourselves off at the knees - as we would for those we care about - and in turn leads to a healthier self-everything.
