Mothers and daughters: is this possibly one of the most difficult relationships ever?

Whether you are a mother, daughter or an innocent bystander  - when sparks fly between a mother and a daughter - you better watch out.

Mothers and daughters know each other's weakest spots; exactly which buttons to press and which comments will cut to the bone.

We also know how to make things right for each other, how to comfort each other and what to say and when not to say it.

But why is this relationship such a potential minefield?

I feel it’s because a mother often sees her daughter as an extension of herself. Maybe even her second chance do things again, better, with experience and hindsight.

A mother wants to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes she’s made. She wants to give her daughter opportunities she never had.

I certainly know from my upbringing – my mother would often say she wanted me to have what she didn’t have growing up.

I feel, a mother wants her daughter to like her and maybe be a little like her too, even though we don’t always admit to this.

The trouble with all that of course is daughters are not an extension of their mothers – they are their own person, with a unique mind-set and journey...I was historically quite smug about my relationship with my daughter. Up to her 16th birthday, she was completely straightforward – no terrible twos, threes or twelves. We were close – ski weekends and trips to Rome – just the two of us.

But at 16, things changed dramatically. We disagreed A LOT. She seemed to actively push against things I would do or say. I knew she was becoming independent and carving out her own way of living, but I wondered why our charmed relationship had to change?

The last few years have been challenging at times. But now my daughter is 18 I could not be more proud. She is absolutely her own person. She is independent, opinionated, determined, committed, intelligent and vibrant.

Her life and outlook are in many ways completely different to mine - but quite right too.

I am sure we have more challenges coming our way. As a mother, well, actually as me, I find it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut sometimes. But after an unpredictable few years, our relationship is pretty great.

We are not in each others' pockets as much as I would like (!) but we still understand each other in a way that is particular to us.

I feel mothers, sometimes subconsciously and unfairly expect too much from their girls - even though we say we don’t - maybe it is hardwired somewhere and won’t really change.

But - as mothers, we could be more mindful of this and as daughters we could cut our mothers a little slack.

For me as daughter, I still find it hard to go against something my mother has said even if I don't agree with it and sometimes I end up resenting the situation.

My daughter, however, armed with her modern day voice and an arsenal of choices does not hesitate to shoot me down if need be.

I guess the last few years have been really eye opening with respect to my relationship with my daughter and how we move forwards. I have learnt that I can’t “make” her do or be anything she doesn’t want to be. And to be honest, I wouldn’t really want her to…. so I can’t really complain, can I?  

How would you react to your child’s first serious girlfriend/boyfriend?

Would you throw your toys out of the pram? Would you be cool? Would you forbid it?

This is one of things I’ve been dreading as my son got older - the inevitable arrival of a girlfriend. Many of my friends have joked that I would not be cool… and I knew they were right.

Interestingly I was not remotely stressed about my daughter having her first serious boyfriend. It just felt like the natural order of things. But my son…well we all know the old clichés about mothers and sons!

For years I have had an extremely close relationship with my son. But things definitely shifted after he turned 16 as I discussed in a post last year, “The Anti Oedipus complex”.

As a mother, I suppose my main worry when it comes to girlfriends and boyfriends is that my children pick someone who isn’t ultimately good for them.

Relationships may come with an element of drama – especially teenage ones – but I believe any relationship, especially a romantic one, should be positive and the happy times outweigh the bad or sad.

There’s no need to change yourself to please someone else and above all you should both have each other’s back.

I knew I would have to deal with reality of a girlfriend sooner or later - and as with so many things in the lives of our teenagers there would be very little I could do about it.

So…. she arrived in the autumn. The exact timing is vague, as any parent with teenagers knows - details of any sort are kept secret and rarely shared with parents.

In addition to the vagueness, I have noticed teenagers these days aren’t overly keen on labels – but given the frequency with which they see each other - they are definitely going out.

What has been quite surprising to me, and those around me, is I have been calm and cool – supportive even.

Theoretically I have played many scenarios and reactions out in my head but ultimately my kids being happy overrides everything for me. And as is true in so many areas of life, especially parenting – there is a big difference between the  hypothetical and the reality.

I have to trust that the way I have brought them up, loved them and nurtured my kids is enough - so they make the right decisions for them.

Caring for someone, maybe falling in love is one of the best feelings I know. So I have to trust. After all, life is precious and worth living to the full and one thing that I have learned as a parent is it is their life not mine.

Luckily – so far – my kids have chosen nice boyfriends/girlfriends. And I am privately very proud of myself that I haven’t turned into a crazy banshee.

The girlfriend is lovely and my son seems happy. And like every mother I know if my kids are happy, I’m happy.