On 9th March I got a call from Annie, who runs Annie’s Jazz Club in Southend. She wanted to chat about the possibility of postponing my tour date at her venue, as a lot of her patrons were getting nervous about coming out. That day they had had some reported cases of Coronavirus in Southend and people were starting to get concerned.
As I cast my mind back, I realise that 9th March was only 5 weeks ago but it feels like months have passed me by. The way time can disappear in an instant and then stretch out endlessly is the weirdest thing.
I remember that whilst I was aware of the shocking news in China and Italy and some cases cropping up in the UK, I had not taken in the enormity of the devastation we were all going to face. I honestly feel in my head, I thought I could get my tour done before Coronavirus became more prevalent - how ridiculous….
Annie and I decided that postponing my gig was the most sensible decision and whilst I was really disappointed, I had some other projects to pour myself into over the coming weeks, so I just thought I’d redirect my focus. But all of that fell away quickly too - and even though we weren’t told to stay home that week or the next, the change in the air was palpable.
It was then I realised, the only way I was getting through this, whatever this was, was by relinquishing “control’ as I saw it, and surrendering.
I know some people see surrender as passive or weak, but to me it is about allowing and freeing - and there is real power in that. When I have had to surrender in other situations in my life, I have found it leads to acceptance, which in turn takes me to thankfulness and that is a positive place to be.
And whilst I have been known to bang on about it in the past - a positive mindset has magical powers. I can only imagine with awe, the mindset of our key workers at the moment.
So, right now, I do have a daily and weekly routine and I am working from home; but in truth, some days are better than others. And much like Coronavirus there is little rhyme or reason as to why.
Yesterday, for instance, I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I listened to music that specifically made me cry - really cry. Songs where I couldn’t get the melodies out as they were choked by my tears.
There wasn’t anything wrong but - and I realise I may sound like a fruit loop - I needed it. We are all energetic beings and soak up so much energy and emotion subliminally that sometimes it needs an outlet. Most days I sing, I dance and I check in with those I love, and that is nourishing but sometimes you need something else and I am a great believer that if we quieten our minds, the answer often presents itself.
I don’t believe there is a right way to get through lockdown - apart from following the government's guidelines, obviously. But I know, the moment I let go - and decided to cut myself some slack and not to focus on powering through - and surrendered - well everything felt a whole lot better.
At the end of the day different things work for different people - that is a beauty of diversity. I guess it all comes down to self-care, in different guises. And if you can make headway on the things you want to do, or achieve, go on a diet, train for something, make strides with work and look after your loved ones then bravo. I applaud you. But if you want to stay in bed till noon because you feel lethargic and want to eat chocolate and watch movies all day - then good for you. If you need it, take it.
Surrender might look different on different days and that’s fine too. Right now life is about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day the best you can - survival.
I do believe that this pandemic is compelling us to look at how we live and what we want out of life, what we appreciate and what is important - as a collective and as individuals. I know, I am learning that I am at my best when I am truly present and just focus on going from one moment to the next. I need to check in with myself regularly and make sure I’m watching over me, as well as those I love. Shutting out the white noise of what ifs and future plans is working for me - so right now I choose to surrender.