Why does discontent fuel inspiration?

Since the weekend, I have been intending to share a motherhood type post.

My daughter got tonsillitis unexpectedly with a raging 40-degree temperature and my son got concussed in the last play of a rugby match.

These two things completely out of the blue have sent me into a mini spiral of worry and stress.

So I started writing something along the lines of how worrying doesn’t stop as your children get older and how the control you had when they were younger has been replaced by your child’s autonomy and is a double-edged sword.

But the worry, frustration, discontent and upset took my brain somewhere completely different.

The parental side of me has been to doing all the things you’d expect – taking practical steps to look after my kids, even though at 17 and 18 they often see it as “harassing” and smothering.

But the emotions have continued to bubble away furiously. The only relief from and dissipation of these visceral emotions has come from writing songs and listening music.

My usual ‘go-tos” of meditation and exercise have left me pacing, without the relief I was hoping for.

As I have tried to calm my brain, lyrics have come so fast I struggle to write them all down. It’s the only release, for me, that is truly cathartic.

I sing new melodies without even thinking about them. They seem effortless and cohesive, which is odd as sometimes I find this troublesome…It has been one of those weekends when I am reminded that the artist and mother in me are so intertwined. I have been a mother for nearly 20 years. But I have singing, performing and writing poetry since I was 7, so I suppose separating out these two fundamental parts of me is not always possible.

The mother in me cannot bear the worry or upset and I try to rid myself of it swiftly.

But the artist me almost enjoys picking it apart, putting under a microscope and magnifying the most sensitive and painful points.

I have realized I do this a lot. It is one of the most effective ways of draining negative emotion and discontent from me. It is almost like an addiction and the most effective medication at the same time.

To be clear I am a happy person, fundamentally. But shit happens sometimes, in all manner of guises, and it seems to fuel inspiration for me in a way that happiness just doesn’t.

And I know I am not alone in this.

In October, Florence Welsh was quoted by saying “her career was basically over as she has nothing to write about at the moment because she was so content”. She joked she needed someone to break her heart again to give her inspiration.

Some years ago I remember reading an article in which Lily Allen said, something along the lines of - when she needed inspiration she would start an argument with a boyfriend to fuel her creativity.

Why do discontent, sadness, anger, drama, trouble and heartache make the fires of creativity burn so brightly? Especially when we are all often saying we are pursuing happiness and peace of mind…I don't know the answer, but I'd like to...What do you think? 

Is it wrong to look back for inspiration? And where do you find it?

On Sunday I wrote that sometimes looking back can be very beneficial. I know for me I have learnt my biggest lessons by looking back at past events and processing them. Not dwelling is the key, though this is easier said than done sometimes...I find the past often holds many keys for inspiration too. The same memory can evoke a multitude of creative seeds that turn into, well for me, lyrics. For instance, the lyrics I wrote just after my father passed away 11 years ago were really dark and tortured, my sorrow literally spilled out onto the page, and now I find it quite hard to read those words back.

As time moved forwards as it does relentlessly, my emotions weren’t so raw and my focus changed and recently I wrote some lyrics with my dad in mind that were positive and hopeful.Words have always had a hold on me – especially poetry and lyrics more so than prose. I have always liked the imagery that that poems and songs create in my head. Songs particularly made me feel things in an extremely visceral way.Poetry and lyrics have also enabled me to say things, express things that I don’t know I would have been able to otherwise.

I suppose that’s why I was keen to delve into my history and past musical loves for my most recent project. My covers album, which is in the final stages and I will be sharing with you shortly is a piece of my past and picking the songs was like rifling through an old treasure chest. The songs I have chosen are particularly evocative and have been waiting for a while in my head as a potent source of expression and inspiration.

Of course, the melodies and the lyrics are set in stone, a snapshot of time - 1978-1988. But I ‘m hoping that though the start of my inspiration was in past, it has been blended with new inspirations and creativity from me, my wonderful band and producers.

My goal is, we have created something that gives a respectful nod to the past mixed with a lot of contemporary and original references…so fingers crossed!

A quick word about inspiration in general…for me it’s everywhere. I am one of those annoying people - constantly writing stuff down – key words/phrases/singing melody lines into my phone. And maybe surprisingly as it is hard to get me to be quiet (!) silence triggers a lot of inspiration for me. Oh, and the shower. Once I got out of the shower five times to write different sections of a song.

Without doubt though, I find inspiration more easily when I’m not looking for it. When I have to write a song or some lyrics or a post and I’m under time pressure – my brain short circuits!

So, I would love to know where you find inspiration, do you step back in time or are you a leave the past in the past kind of person?