Often we think it's negative or detrimental to look back. The past should stay in the past. I used to feel this quite strongly and then I found this quote and it really resonated with me:
The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come
I love the positive spin. It dawned on me that I don’t have to shut my past away under lock and key; I may not want to revisit particular instances, but there are merits to remembering the good and the bad.
There are certainly things I have done over the years I am not proud of - poor decision-making, lack of discernment and disregarding all consequences. But heaven knows I have learned from them, though sometimes it took a while to get there!There are also memories so euphoric and vivid that I can’t help but break into a huge smile; and for me when I feel joy, I feel invincible so it is good to bank those happy recollections.
But most importantly are the times when I need a reality check. The negative voice in my head is small, but it can roar and looking back to see where I was and where I am now is actually really uplifting.
I guess everything and everyone leading up to this point has shaped me in some way, therefore has value.
Choice and acceptance are the things I try to take away from my past and I suppose the areas of my life that are most affected are my kids and my music.
I know the mother thing is obvious. But I kinda fell into motherhood - an earth mother I am not. I won’t bore you with the last nearly twenty years, but suffice it to say it has been a helluva ride to date. And when I am feeling dragged down by the day to day minutiae, thousands of memories come flooding back and I remind myself that my children are 18 and nearly 17 and I have managed NOT to kill them yet. I don’t mean to be flippant but you get the sentiment….It is really good to look back on my musical career to date too. It has been so unconventional and haphazard but it's working and I'm having a ball. And every time I have had a flicker of doubt, an opportunity has presented itself and propelled me forwards - and this makes me smile.
But my dark moments - the heartbreaks, betrayals and losses are the ones I like squaring up to the most - maybe this is the difficult artist in me but I do believe the darker side of life sharpens my focus and resolve to live my life as I choose to ... so long as I don’t wallow (!)I do know that the times I have felt most desperate and thought I couldn’t carry on, I have rolled my sleeves up and carried on and looking back I realise those were the times I have learned the most about myself.
I’m not entirely sure why this has all come out today – maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or reflective as I start rehearsing my new material this week based on past musical loves. Or maybe whilst I have both feet very firmly in the present, with half an eye on the future, I felt it was a good time to take stock.